I don't think there is a day goes by where someone makes the comment of how well i look and cope with everything that is going on with me. And that i am always looking happy and content.
However looks can be deceiving at times. Behind all that there is a different me.
I suffer from anxiety and depression.
This first started in the late 1990s and i kept it to myself for about 4 years. I was still working at the time. I would get up for work and go through my routine with all my medical issues. Once I arrived at work i would put all my medical problems to one side and switch off from them. Soon as i finished work at the end of the day i would then switch back on to my worries and get wound up, thinking all sorts.
After having to leave my job in 2002 because of ill health thats when the depression started..it hit me suddenly that i was finished work and didn't know how to cope with it. However most of my time was spent in hospital with chronic kidney disease and crohn's disease.
Each admission was getting harder and harder, i was worrying what the nursing staff thought of me with all my needs and help i needed.
It got to a point in 2005 that was struggling so bad I went to my GP and said, I need help, i can't cope mentally with everything going on with my health.
It took a lot of courage to admit that, people always thought,,oh it's good job Graham has all these health issues as he seems to cope with them. That was so far away from the truth.
After finally being referred to see a counsellor i thought this will get me back on track. How wrong i was again.
In my second session i clashed with the counsellor, when we started to talk about my stoma care as a child, he came to the conclusion that i was just attention seeking and didn't think i had accepted my stoma back then. That upset me and suddenly i started keep things to myself. I went back to my gp and said i wasn't going back.
It was then we decided maybe it would be best if i saw a Psychologist. I was referred to them and after a 5 month wait i finally got to see someone.
It was as if everything had been lifted off my shoulders. She listened as i opened up on everything..the 6 sessions i was originally given ended up with 12 sessions over 12 months.
I have had further sessions on and off for 10 years and i managed to stay off medication until about 2 years ago.
Once again i was having a bad time with my health.. I had broken both feet in the space of 18 months and needed major surgery on them in that time. The anxiety and problems with my care whilst in hospital was not good and i started to feel bad about myself and a failure as the nursing staff again was making me feel bad about my stoma care help i needed.
This tipped me over the edge as i was feeling everyone judged solely on that. I wasn't sleeping and worrying all the time about my next hospital admissions. That's when my GP suggested medication to help me stay calm and help me sleep at night. I was unsure at first but i knew if i continued the way i was it would not be doing myself any justice. So i agreed.
Where am i today,,,well i still on a low dose of medication..it does to keep me calmer than i used to be.. i still worry a lot but not 24/7. I have all the tools mentally to overcome any situation which is important to me as i now have to be admitted for maintenance surgery every 4 months with means a 3 day stay in hospital.
I have some confidence to approach the nursing staff and explain the situation of my background and the reasons for it. Without the medication i don't think i could of done that.
Mental health is another taboo subject, but it can effect anyone. These days there is no need to suffer in silence like i did for so many years.
Although i have a full lifetime of health issues and people think i am strong and brave, but deep down i am not. I am only human like everyone else.
Help is out there and don't be afraid to ask for it.
However looks can be deceiving at times. Behind all that there is a different me.
I suffer from anxiety and depression.
This first started in the late 1990s and i kept it to myself for about 4 years. I was still working at the time. I would get up for work and go through my routine with all my medical issues. Once I arrived at work i would put all my medical problems to one side and switch off from them. Soon as i finished work at the end of the day i would then switch back on to my worries and get wound up, thinking all sorts.
After having to leave my job in 2002 because of ill health thats when the depression started..it hit me suddenly that i was finished work and didn't know how to cope with it. However most of my time was spent in hospital with chronic kidney disease and crohn's disease.
Each admission was getting harder and harder, i was worrying what the nursing staff thought of me with all my needs and help i needed.
It got to a point in 2005 that was struggling so bad I went to my GP and said, I need help, i can't cope mentally with everything going on with my health.
It took a lot of courage to admit that, people always thought,,oh it's good job Graham has all these health issues as he seems to cope with them. That was so far away from the truth.
After finally being referred to see a counsellor i thought this will get me back on track. How wrong i was again.
In my second session i clashed with the counsellor, when we started to talk about my stoma care as a child, he came to the conclusion that i was just attention seeking and didn't think i had accepted my stoma back then. That upset me and suddenly i started keep things to myself. I went back to my gp and said i wasn't going back.
It was then we decided maybe it would be best if i saw a Psychologist. I was referred to them and after a 5 month wait i finally got to see someone.
It was as if everything had been lifted off my shoulders. She listened as i opened up on everything..the 6 sessions i was originally given ended up with 12 sessions over 12 months.
I have had further sessions on and off for 10 years and i managed to stay off medication until about 2 years ago.
Once again i was having a bad time with my health.. I had broken both feet in the space of 18 months and needed major surgery on them in that time. The anxiety and problems with my care whilst in hospital was not good and i started to feel bad about myself and a failure as the nursing staff again was making me feel bad about my stoma care help i needed.
This tipped me over the edge as i was feeling everyone judged solely on that. I wasn't sleeping and worrying all the time about my next hospital admissions. That's when my GP suggested medication to help me stay calm and help me sleep at night. I was unsure at first but i knew if i continued the way i was it would not be doing myself any justice. So i agreed.
Where am i today,,,well i still on a low dose of medication..it does to keep me calmer than i used to be.. i still worry a lot but not 24/7. I have all the tools mentally to overcome any situation which is important to me as i now have to be admitted for maintenance surgery every 4 months with means a 3 day stay in hospital.
I have some confidence to approach the nursing staff and explain the situation of my background and the reasons for it. Without the medication i don't think i could of done that.
Mental health is another taboo subject, but it can effect anyone. These days there is no need to suffer in silence like i did for so many years.
Although i have a full lifetime of health issues and people think i am strong and brave, but deep down i am not. I am only human like everyone else.
Help is out there and don't be afraid to ask for it.
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